I fineally got a job. and this time, its not some stupid scrummy fast food joint with crappy hours, unfufilled raises, and an bitch for a boss. Nope. Im working for something I have alot of passion in, and the people there are so fucking friendly, its almost too good to be true. Im working for the ACLU, which if you dont know, is a non profit organization which stands for equal rights, and protects our constitution. Im helping raise money for gay rights, and im getting paid for it! Isnt that great?!! Its a full time job, 8 hours a day, 5 days a week. I get paid every two weeks, and ill be getting between 350 to 550 a week depending on how much $$$ I bring in. The least ill be getting paid is 350 a week, which hell, is better then nothing. Not to mention, its a job I love. So Im very very fucking happy about that.

BTW- ACLU stands for American Civil Liberties Union, and have helped so many people gain there rights, such as african americans not be seperated, and womans rights to vote. If youre intrested go check out there web page, at www.aclu.org. They have tons of info on how you can get involved, and they're always looking for passionate people to come work for them.

Wow, I went from being a crew member/shift leader at burger king, to a paid activist in less then a year. Im for once, really proud of myself.

:D


Oh, and samie and I are doing amazing, as usual. I swear, I fall more and more in love with her everyday.

shes moving in tomorow.
and she dosent know that bad things ive been doing.



thats all i have to say.
no details.

im trying to stop drinking so many ice coffees.
because they're making me not loose weight and its pissing me off.
so im trying to replace it with drink green tea (which i love, but i miss my ice coffees)

caitie aka my best friend got her nipples pierced.
but not that tacky shit with the rings, its with the barbels.
and now i want mine done, cuz they look hott.

i also love how my girlfriend and i have random outburst of wierdness on aim.

look.

Less then a month and she moves in.

Ive been popping too many xanex.
I spent the entire day coloring, swimming, watching thr L word, and getting high with my best friend.
I found out yesterday that my opinion matters more to my mother, then her's does to me. I find that... kind of wrong dont you?
Im not getting the breast reduction btw- Fuck it, Ive got big boobes. Rather have big boobes then a big nose.
Im on xanex right now by the way, so all this shit im writting is probaly realllly random.

Hm. I want to go color some more.
then im going to sleeeeeep.
:)

Im taking a HUGE step.
My girlfriend is moving in with me in 2 months.
Ive never done this before.
Im scared/ nervous/ idk.
but she is living with her roomates/ hommies.
and the're always doing cocaine and ecstacy, (been there done that)
but she wants to get away from it.
and I want her to be with me.
I love her.
ew. thats stupid.

but. I do.
and ew. thats stupid.
but...


okay, I need to stop arguing with myself in my journal.


Ive been still popping too many xanex.
and still been throwing up/ or not eating at all.
Ive lost 16 pounds in one month.
Im happy about that.
Im just hoping once I get to my goal weight, that... Ill be able to stop.
Fuck, I dont even want to think about that right now.
Ive been lying to Samie (the girlfriend) about my eating habbits.
She knew I was throwing up, but I told her I stopped.
She says "Then how're you still loosing so much weight"
my reply "I dont eat, Im not hungry".


Its going to be really hard to keep this up when she moves in without her realizing what Im doing.
I know she wont leave me over it... but it's my thing. I dont want her fucking opinion about it.
I dont want to fucking hear about how un-healthy it is.
Fuck, last year I poppin ecstacy like every day. That wasnt healthy.
I used to drink every night to the point of blacking out and throwing up all over my house. That wasnt healthy.
I pop xanex everyday to not deal with drama, that im sure, isnt healthy.
Life in general isnt healthy.
Get over it.


Everyone has there issues.


I have to pee.
peace out.
:)

I dont even feel like writing, but im forcing myself to.

I hate my brother.
Im back with samie. (which is a heart break waiting to happen) but the xanex makes me not care.
Im litterally addcited to ice coffee's from starbucks.
and them xanex. man those xanex bars. I cant stop poping them.
whats it like to be sober, and unhappy again? I forgot.

im a chain smoker, and im not even concerning about the whole cancer thing anymore,
which is funny because a few weeks ago thats all i could think about.

throwing up is easier now, then ever.
ive lost 12 pounds.
im going for 40 more.

dad fineally noticed that ive lost weight.
i cant wait to scare him when i dont stop.
MAN I JUST CANT WAIT,

im such a fucked up girl.
and man those xanex.


thats all for now.

MY TATTOO.

:D

im so sick of his conservative  voice
and ill be quick to ammit it
yeah i poured the gasoline
but dumb fucker, he's the one that lit it.
he hates how i look
he hates how i am
i want to fucking shoot his brains out.
pshh it'll be easy, two shots, "bam bam".
i used to be his girl.
i mean i am his fucking daughter.
but then i told him the truth.
and its like "dont even fucking bother."
youre dead to me now
daddy dearest is that so?
love me forever, unless I GO HOMO.
fuck you mother fucker-
you aint got shit on me now
ive got this whole plan
so never again be called a COW
look at me daddy
im refusing to fucking eat
thats what you want huh??
well, keep one eye open while you sleep- bitch
we used to be close
i thought you were my friend
whoever thought my secret
would really make shit end.
you bring up my past
because you know it kills.
fuck you child beater mother fucker
at least i got some skills.
you ask me why im so angry.
bitch you brought me up like this.
ill never fucking forget
those times you used your fist.
big sister remembers too.
so now im not alone.
i should fucking put a price on your ass.
i think i will, where's my phone?

So I fineally had the guts to come out to my father, his reply was "I already knew."
And we finshed our dinner like nothing happened.
But two days later, he picked me up, for a DAUGHTER&&FATHERR day, and was acting like a complete dick.
We were suppose to go see that new clint eastwood movie, but I asked him to take me home, instead because of how he was acting. His reply?

"What do you expect? Your fucking gay! and youve got more holes in youre body, (got new ear piercings!), a tattoo (ill post pictures), and youre gaining weight, youre turning into a FAT FUCKING FREAK. (i swear to god, those were his words.)

Um ouch. I have enough problems with my self estem as it is, and like, NOWWW, over the past week and a half, annnd ive been developing some, um bad habbits. My mothers been bulimic for 25 years, andd as horrifying as this may sound, she has taught me how to do it, easy, and painless. Well painless isnt really true, my throat is sore, but ive lost 10 pounds in 7 days. I know, I know, its wronnng -its stupid. But I cant stop. I want to loose more, more and more, untill my dad gets scared shitless. & untill im at a weight im happy with.

Hey its better then going out and doing meth right?! because thats my plan B.
[ ive been on every diet known to man, im 5'5 and about 137, but you have to remember I have double Ds. But I feel fat, no matter how many people tell me im not, I feel like I am. & because of that statement my dad made, im offically turning into a workoutholic, throwinging up young verison of my mother]

Oh and I have a girlfriend. Her name is Samie Jay. I dont feel like talking about her, let just say she's good in the bedroooom, buuut thats about it.

k that is all.

wow I feel like its been ages, which it has. I have alot to update, as usual, but I dont think ill be able to do it all in one sitting. First off, I left Utah. I ended up getting my own appartment up there, and started working full time. I think it was a bit much for a 17 year old because I ended up getting really worn out from 12 hour shifts 7 days a week. So I quit. While I was doing that though, I had my first "girl on girl" relationship. Her name was veronica, she was 24, and she worked at the gas station that burger king was attachted to. I fell for this girl hard. I ended up comming out to most my family, all my friends, just because veronica and I were a bit obvious. [I mean kissing in public and all]. We did everything togther, and for the first time in what seemed like ages, I didnt think about bryan. But like all good things, it ended. I broke up with her the day after my birthday, because I knew I was starting to feel homesick, and I knew I was going to end up comming back to California. I left utah without even saying goodbye to her, which was unexplainably hard but I felt it would be for the best.

When I came home, I started smoking weed and drinking again. No surprise there. I did see Bryan once, and yeah I slept with him. I didnt feel any connections with him though. I couldnt believe how down hill he has gotten. He started using since we broke up, and has lost a good 50 pounds. I think I bailed on the relationship at the right time. Also saw Jansen, he made a trip from home when he heard I was back in town, spent the day smoking and talking. It was really nice. I missed him. And of course at the end I gave him a blow job, and sent him on his way. Oh and guess who Ive been seeing here and there? Matt. I know weird right? We screwed around the other night, which was fun I guess, but no orgasmic moments.

My moms out of prison, and actually showed up after two years on my front door step. That was interesting... Im actually sort of living with her half time right now, and were talking about me moving in at the first of the year. I figure why the hell not.

Im not really sure what my next move is, or what im gonna do with my life. But thats okay.
Ill write more when feeling up to it.

I  havent felt like myself. Ive been missing bryan which is so STUPID that I cant even bring myself to talk to anyone about it. I mean he was a jackass, and I hated that relationshit more then anything, so why do I miss it?! Eh. Im suppose to be starting my period soon, so maybe thats it. 

Work is work. Same as usual. The only thing thats diffrent is my manager is stalking me. I smoked a few bowls with him one night after work, and now he's always calling me, and knocking on my door, trying to get me to hang out. Um ew. The weed wasnt even that bomb, so I dont feel like I owe him anything more then a "Thank you".

Oh I havent had a cigg in 3 days. Hard as fuck, but I just keep trying to think about the 1,000 $$$ prize dad keeps promising me if I actually go through with quiting. MAN, Think about how much stuff I could buy. :)
Id actually just put it in the bank, along with every pay check I get. COOL MAN. But Im trying to be smart about my money for once. I want to be able to move into my own appartment by March of next year. and daddy dearst claims if I keep doing my school thing, he'll keep supporting me. So every dime I make at work, goes into the bank and dosent get touched. Hopefully I can make enough to get me a decent looking place, and be able to pay first,last and deposit. Man, it sucks being older. I wish I could go back to being 10.

Cody and I talk here and there, but I think im loosing intrest, as bitchy as that sounds. 

Im hopefully going to pride next month, maybe Ill meet a nice girl.
;)


K thats all for now.

Okay, so Ive got alot to update.

Ive been on a Camping trip the past 3 days, and well... it was fun. I wasnt expecting it. I thought being dragged to this family gathering was gonna just end up making me wanna pull out my hair, but in the end, heh, it wasnt me doing the hair pulling. Other words my friends, I got laid. Wow, single only two weeks and already got laid by a hottie. Go mee! hahaha. His name is Cody, and he's one of Josh's cuzin's, best friends. He's 21, a firefighter, a drinker, and a father to the fucking cutest 2 year old Ive ever laid eyes on. It started out innocently enough, I just smiled at him for the first couple hours before we were properly introduced. I thought maybe he didnt like me, because everytime I smiled at him, he looked away. Not the type of reaction I was going for, but you know me, I dont quit after something small as not returning a smile. Instead I tried harder. When I fineally got to talking to him, he offered me a beer, which of course I took. I mean come on, havent had one in two weeks, thought I deserved a break from sober land. It was miller, which ment heart burn, but eh its casual. The first night, nothing really happened. We were left alone down by the creek for about 2 hours, and right off the bat bonded,and of course me being the type of girl I am, II confessed I thought he was very, heh, hott. And his reply was he thought I also was very hott, which is why he didnt return my smiles, (yes he confessed to being "bashful") He was a little smashed, and asked me if I wanted to hang out with him after he put his daughter to bed, maybe go on a walk down the creek or something. Of course I said yeah, but the night ended up turning bitter when his family noticed us flirting, and told him to stay away from me. [ SUCKS BEING UNDERAGE... MAN ONLY 2 MORE FUCKING MONTHS OF THAT BULLSHIT]. The next day, was only smiles. We said "Hey" but had no decent converstaion. [ To later find out, he was just waiting for the "right time to talk and hang out without his sister and mom giving him shit"] The third day, or I should say night, though was when we really hit it off. I ended up convicing Vikki to buy me two 40's, and give me 6 somas, and took them all. Got fucked up to the point of seeing triples. While I was having a smoke, him and Zeeb (Cuzin) came to join me... This is when I started to get BLUNT. I told Cody I needed "to show him something"- So we went around a corner where no one could see us, and I was just like

"So... I need to fucking kiss you already."
[I know, smooth right?]
His reply
"Go for it."

And I did. Man, he was a gooood kisser. I was actually kinda intimadated by it. We made out for about 5 mins, and then he said that he was saving both our ass's, by not doing anything else untill everyone went to bed. [Apparently my grandma, god bless her fucking LOUD MOUTHED soul, talked to Codys mom about me, and we were getting watched like fucking hawks.] So I waited... up till the point I couldnt handle how amazingly FUCKED up I was, and ended up falling asleep.

:/

But lucky me Jackie (the dog) woke me up about two hours later.
Everyone was asleep, and I was pissed. I thought fosure cody thought I had just blown him off, and I deffinitly thought I just ruined my chances with hooking up with this firefighter HOTTIE.

So I went outside to have a smoke and chill out.
Guess who's outside, near his car smoking a jay? Cody.
;)

He invited me to come hang out in his car, and just ... chill I guess. We talked for a good hour before I pulled him up close to me and started off again, only this time it went further. We ended up in the backseat of his car, screwing like little high schoolers, totally foggy up the windows, and it was amazing. Im serious, he was fucking better then Bryan... and thats saying something. He went on for at least a goddamn hour. AT LEAST, before he cummed. Not to mention he really cared about satisfying me... He kept asking if I had gotten an orgasm yet, and even when I said "Yeah, try 2 already..." He was like 'Oh well we can do better then that".
I guess he's never had a screamer before, and when he commented about it, I started to shut up, because I thought I was just soundeing flat out stupid, but he's all 'Nahh cutie, it's sexy as hell... Ive never known a girl who gets all crazy like you".

I assumed when we were done, it was time for me to leave, but nope, he insisted on cuddling and being cute. We kissed for at least another 2 hours and talked about various things. I told him about just getting out a really bad relationship, and wasnt looking for anything serious. He said "Thats fine babe, but if im around your town, I wanna hang out..." 
:) PERFECT IN MY EYES.

The next day (today) before we left for home, he gave me his number, along with a hug, and said
"Make sure you call me".


I dont think of this as one of my usual One night stands.
Me and this kid bonded when we talked, it was like automatic friendship, and respect.
I also really digged the fact he wasnt an ass after we fucked...
All n all I had an amazing time, but im still thinking about wither or not I should call him.
I dunno... because if I dont call him, this will forever be a great memory, with a great [ need I say again, HOTT] man.
But if I do call him, and a month later find out he IS a total ass, and this weekend was just a front, 
[kinda like what bryan did to me]
then this weekend wont be special.


So im still thinking.
Any advice?
<3

 I broke up with Bryan, over a week ago. 
and I moved back to Utah, to sober up.
(Family lives here)
I havent touched anything for about 4 days.
<3

So right now, Im trying to figure out, how to tell my boyfriend, that im in love with a girl. He's well aware of me messing around with girls, and is disgusted by it, but I think he believes its just "for fun."-

It isnt. 

Her name is Chantal, but I call her Tallyma. I met her three years ago at my group home. She's always been bisexual, and has always had a thing for me, but me being too afraid of people judging me, always claimed I wasnt ready to take that step. She's my best friend, and has been within the first 10mins of us meeting. We just "clicked". Ive NEVER had a single problem with her, I mean normal relationships have fights here and there, but we have never even gotten close to an argument. Two days ago, I let her know that I was in love with her, that I want to be with her, and she was thrilled. The only problem is my boyfriend. She wrote to him, and asked him how he would feel if his girlfriend had a girlfriend. He threw a fucking fit. Told her to stay the fuck away from me, that Im with him and only him, that she was a fucking nasty bitch- Then called me and yelled at me, said "AND YOU CALL YOURSELF FUCKING CHRISTIAN."- (I ended up crying over this). 

Bryan, is being completely closed minded. He said,

" I dont want to see you kissing girls anymore, I dont want to hear about you doing anything with girls, that shit is FUCKING disgusting."

I spoke to Chantal last night, and she claimed that she would NEVER make me choose between the two of them. Like I said, the problem isnt her, it's Bryan.She said that Im the most beautiful girl in the world, and that no matter what I decide to do, she will always be here for me. Im taking lots of time to think about things.

Bryan is beggining to be more then I can bare. He wont drop the whole ecstacy subject. He makes me feel guilty because I dont want to do it anymore. He gives me guilt trips on purpose, but denies it. Last night he begged me to roll with him next weekend, and no matter how many times I said, I didnt want to do it, he still tried to munipulate me into it. He isnt sensative to me anymore, dosent care about how I feel about certain things, and wants me to stop talking to Chantal PLUS all my home boys. He also wont let go of the fact that he wants naked pictures, and Im like "Um no, you can see me naked in person, but thats it." He owes the bank major money, but refuses to pay it off, instead spends every dime he gets on pills and budd. Its so childish. I mean he's almost 21, still lives with the parents, still drives his parents car, dosent even have his GED, [[ yeah he dropped out ]], he calls in sick to work at least 2 times a week and goes to his homeboys to get stonned instead.

Wow, I didnt even realize untill just now, how much of a fucking loser he really is. Is this who I want to be with?! I think bryan and I went WAY WAY WAY too fast, and I told him this yesterday, I mean Jesus, We have only been togther for 2months and he's already giving me rules to live by. When I told him I thought we were getting WAY too serious way to fast, he was like "FUCK THIS SHIT, IM NOT GETTING INTO THIS, IM GONNA GET OFF THE PHONE, ILL CALL YOU LATER-"

I was like "Wow, what the fuck?!" Im serious, the only thing healthy about our relationship is the sex. 

Im sick of it.

I havent touched ecstasy in almost four weeks. YAY FOR ME BEING STUBBORN! Bryan isnt thrilled on this at all, but I just havent felt like putting holes in my brain. I havent smoked the ganja in 9 days, and havent gotten drunk in 3 weeks.No, I havent gone to the edge side, I just havent felt like partying. Thats odd for me huh?!

Two nights ago, I was in the bathroom just messing around with my hair, and I randomly cut my hair. I now have bangs. Im rather excited, I havent had bangs since I was about 11. My dad says it makes me look 5 years older, so now I can pass for 22. COOL. 

I have big boobes.




k thats all for now.

Oh add me on myspace.

www.myspace.com/tellyoursecrets

:)